Relationship Status

Well, there’s a rush of feedback! Sometimes the miracle of social networking via Facebook, et al, is too much fact with too little information.

My wife Lynn died on November 16, 2009. And here I am announcing to the internet world “I am in a Relationship.” It feels odd. Too soon? Only we can answer that question. I was even asked, “Don’t you know that everyone can see that?” Yes I know. I hope that anyone who feels they have a right to care about it will have the consideration to keep their judgments in check.

It feels odd that people would react so strongly while knowing so little about the nature of my relationship with Lynn through the decades we spent together. I’ve had the experience of grieving and mourning her passing for four long years as she went through her various cancer treatments.

It feels odd that people would react so strongly with no knowledge of the 15-year friendship Karen and I have shared since we became co-workers and she was pregnant with her second daughter. It feels odd to have to announce such a thing at all.

In the world that I walked in as a young man things happened at their own pace. People who knew and loved me and those who knew and loved Karen would find this out as it was appropriate. We would be given privacy and space to grow our relationship organically; the success or failure of our relationship would be a private matter of our own private domain.

In a more civilized, respectful, and polite time, I would owe no one an explanation. But this is the internet age. I changed my status to ‘in a relationship’ and fifteen minutes later my 30-year-old son’s mother was calling him from 2000 miles away to find out what was going on. Connected by data, but completely unconnected when it comes to the everyday exchange, the polite tip of the hat, the ‘how-de-do’ that was real small-town social connection. Neither world had claim on factual, kind, compassionate rumor and innuendo, but this new network allows for pain and shame to be spread at the speed of light.

The reason I changed my status to ‘in a relationship’ is that I am. For years, Lynn introduced Karen as ‘Joe’s best friend.’ Lynn was right. I always thought of Lynn as my best friend, back then. I guess she may have meant that Karen was my best friend other than her – my second-best friend.

However it translates, Karen was my confidant. I was hers. Karen went through relationship issues and looked to me to be a no-strings-attached listener, sounding board, and offeror of suggestion. She respected my opinions and my compassion. I was blessed to have her give me the same gifts. We shared the painful secrets of our respective relationships, of our child-raising challenges, of our professional and career problems. We admitted to one another that we had mutual attraction and desire, but agreed that those sorts of feelings must wait until someday when the time might become appropriate.

After some time, as Lynn became more perilously ill and insecure, she changed her opinion about Karen, and forbade me to see or talk with Karen. I disagreed with that edict, and my relationship with Karen was forced underground. Despite the deep but platonic nature of the relationship, as far as Lynn was concerned any contact I had with Karen was tantamount to an affair.

That was the saddest turn of events of all, as it turned Lynn’s feelings about Karen toward undeserved hatred. Karen continued to be my loving confidant, as Lynn’s disease became the all-consuming focus of my existence. I was occasionally able to share with Karen some small insight and compassion into the problems that Lynn endured.

There is no way that I can find fault with Lynn’s preoccupation with her own mortality. It consumed the both of us nearly constantly. We frequently talked about ‘what comes next.’ Lynn half-jokingly went through lists of potential new wives for me. She was always concerned that the kids needed a mother. Karen wasn’t on Lynn’s list of new moms, but she was always my first choice.

Since Lynn’s death Karen and I have spoken more openly about our feelings regarding Lynn, our respective children, and our relationship with each other. We have confessed to each other the long-held desire to be together. The things that we had known all along were shared as obvious truths.

We agree on so much. We have a wonderful agreement about the value of consistency and unconditional love for our children. We have respect and admiration for one another when looking at our very different life experiences. Our children are different enough in age to be interesting and wonderful to each other in mutually beneficial ways that will foster lifelong love. Our kids all love each other. We have fun together.

It’s too late to make a long story short, but I am really in a very powerful relationship with Karen. Sorry if this is the way that social media work these days, but FLASH! Here’s the news. We are in love with one another.

All I ask is for your support and happiness for me. It's nice to smile and laugh together.